AVB – A Vacation Beckons?

In these trying times as my kids look forward to a satsuma and a few monkey nuts in their Christmas stocking, what I wouldn’t give to be the manager of Chelsea.

The blueprint appears to be: Impress the owner by tearing up trees in Europe, force him to stump up a large sum of money to secure your services on a lengthy contract and then nark him off to earn a hefty pay-off before your name-plate has dried on the revolving door. What’s not to like?

AVB (A Vacation Beckons?) is up against it after the last-gasp Champions League defeat by Bayer Leverkusen made it four defeats from seven, as the Red Tops moved in for the kill.

“I just can’t warm to Villas-Boas with his apparent lack of humour, revolutionary beard and graduation with honours from the Gerry Francis school of avoiding the gaze of the camera.”

‘Villas Goas!’ bellowed The Sun from Friday’s back page, quoting a mysterious ‘dressing room insider’ who pondered: “Perhaps the club are wondering if they made a mistake.”

Blues fans on the Shed End messageboard were a little more sympathetic, suggesting Roman Abramovich should for once put his itchy trigger finger away and leave the gaffer to build his own team.

‘Six Times’ offered a ray of hope when he said: “I think we can all agree, if we get our defence sorted out then we really have something good on our hands.”

To which ‘Mod’ replied: “Well yeah, that and the midfield and the forwards.”

Defender (and I use the term loosely) David Luiz has come in for particular criticism, with Sky pundit Gary Neville claiming: “He looks like he is being controlled by a 10-year-old on a PlayStation.”

The Brazilian responded by tweeting: “Gary Neville – I love u!” – that’s got to be the first time those five words have appeared in the same sentence.

As a QPR fan, I was never comfortable with the fact I was quite fond of Jose Mourinho, Big Phil Scolari and Carlo Ancelotti – whose errant eyebrow must have disappeared into orbit as he wonders how on earth he managed to get the old tin tack.

But I just can’t warm to Villas-Boas with his apparent lack of humour, revolutionary beard and graduation with honours from the Gerry Francis school of avoiding the gaze of the camera.

To be fair, in management terms he’s still a baby (despite doing a brilliant job at Porto) and maybe, to quote The Specials, the Chelsea project is just Too Much Too Young.

QPR are up to ninth thanks to an unlikely 3-2 win at Stoke. The game will forever be known as ‘Towelgate’ after QPR boss Neil Warnock insisted his side be afforded the same privilege as their opponents by drying the ball before each throw-in.

It was a master stroke by the wily old fox which left his opposite number – and sworn enemy – Tony Pulis looking like he was about to self-combust on the touchline.

Warnock was like Mr Shakey Hands Man at the end as he offered his palm to every Stoke player, although curiously Pulis was nowhere to be seen.

If that had been Arsene Wenger it would have been headline news, although to be fair to the Potters boss, he was probably just stopping himself from shaking his nemesis warmly by the throat.

While Warnock triumphed in the psychological battle, born-again Heidar Helguson – a full 56 days older than Mr Villas-Boas – bagged his fourth and fifth goals of the season.

The 34-year-old Icelander might be getting on a bit but he has the face fuzz of an adolescent after gamely joining in the QPR Movember effort.

While Shaun Derry looks like the offspring of infamous Aussies Merv Hughes and Chopper (top film – Google it) Heidar has the sort of lip caterpillar the cat could lick off.

Joey Barton is unsurprisingly orchestrating the Movember campaign and once again found himself in the news at the Britannia Stadium.

The skipper looked fortunate to get away with at least one penalty claim and the home supporters showed him their affection by showering the midfielder with coins.

He tweeted afterwards: “Thanks to all the Stoke fans who threw money at me while I was on corner duties. It’s much appreciated – I’ll pass it on to charity.”

He added: “First time I’ve ever played that well that the other fans have tipped me!”

Meanwhile team-mate Jay Bothroyd has revealed his young son persuaded him to come to Loftus Road after the eight-year-old signed up for QPR’s under 9’s team.

The striker said: “I might occasionally give some advice after training and matches but he criticises me. He said to me after the Manchester City game ‘You should have scored that header – I would have scored it!’”

Incidentally, Bothroyd junior is named Mace which is a bit of a weird one – although not quite as bad as Peterborough defender Gabriel Zakuani, who called his newborn son Trendy after Twitter’s trending topics feature.

Elsewhere on the manor, Fulham held Sunderland to a 0-0 draw on Wearside. Since stuffing QPR 6-0 they’ve only managed four goals in five league games.

I wonder if fans would have settled for a 1-0 win in the west London derby and spread the other five around to get a few more points on the board? I know I would.

And finally we come to Brentford, who were unlucky to be beaten by League One leaders Charlton at Griffin Park.

Bradley Wright-Phillips got the only goal and must have been a little surprised to see the headline ‘Shaun Wright On Time’ in the Sunday Mirror the following day.

Fans on Brentford’s Griffin Park Grapevine forum were discussing the ballboy who got his marching orders for throwing the ball at a time-wasting Charlton player.

When asked what his punishment was, ‘Wanderer Paul’ replied: “Banned for life and given a season ticket to Fulham!” Boom boom.

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